Miso Stupid.

actions speak louder than words

A simple phrase can live with someone for years with an action behind it. Promises to me are sacred. They’re something i won’t do to get myself out of a tight spot. I try my absolute hardest to make sure that when i do give a promise, i can actually fulfill it. I’m often referred to as: blunt or truthful. I’d rather be called a female dog than a liar.

However, for there are many who do not have the same set of morals as i do, it doesn’t mean as much or hardly anything at all. Words are meaningless without action. With action, words come to life and imprint themselves in your very being. If you’re in a relationship that the word “love” is constantly flung around, what does it mean anymore? Saying it so often takes away the meaning, strips it of it’s important ties to our emotions, so why do it?

We think that it assures the other person or perhaps yourself that you believe in what you say, but who knows unless we see action? They say they love you, but do they remind you without words? They say they’ll meet up with you someday, but do you actually meet up with them? What’s the point? Or maybe you say things because they sound pretty, will make them happy. Here’s the blunt truth made specially from uniquely me: I don’t love you,  i don’t hate you, and i’ll never meet up with you.
So the truth hurts, how about the embarrassment and hurt from finding out you’ve been lied to all along? Fast and quick like a band aid makes the pain less, makes it over quicker. Get something off your chest, go at it. If you know you don’t love someone, please don’t hurt them more and lie to them.
“Talk the talk, walk the walk.” It’s all too irritating to hear someone talk about punching someone else in the face 24/7 when you know they won’t. If you’re not going to do it, please just shut your mouth. 
I hope that people will actually make their promises come true, keep people from disappointment, follow their words with action. If you’re not brave enough to do the action, then you’re not worth the words.

Don’t try on words and see how they fit in the long run. If they’re too big, work out and fit into them. Work hard to make promises come true. How can you judge a man entirely? If you’re thinking of appearance, of their look on the outside…  Consider the following: Beauty fades, truth is forever. You judge a man by how well he holds his words, how well he holds you with sincerity.
If you throw around words like: love and hate, what does that say about you? Don’t trash the language that makes beautiful literature, don’t trash trust for the future generation. Words are meant for communication, why would you waste time, words, on someone you don’t even love or hate? 
I hope to help bring back the meaning of words. Instead of separating them from actions, they’d coincide in perfect harmony. Both working to change the world together. In this time however, it seems impossible to even conceive the idea of a world leader that’s sincere in his words.

Words aren’t what changed the world… actions changed the world. Actions change every single one of us everyday.

Embrace your words. Make your dreams come true. Tell yourself you’ll make your future bright and then do it. Try your hardest, don’t run away from your problems, you promised.

Here comes the rain…

I try to give myself a good piece of advice to always think positive and not to lose focus on the most important things that I need to achieve in my life.  But sometimes, I go onto this weird emotional time in my life where I allow unnecessary things interfere with what is real versus what is not.  Sometimes I feel the world around me tries to block certain things out of my life that would allow me to move forward.  I don’t know why I find it so hard to jump over these high hurdles that I keep running into. There are some days I believe that I’m confident enough to think that I’m ready to move forward and always seeking for what is next to come.  But the moment I begin to feel the strength, and believe that everything is beginning to look clear to me, for some reason when I begin to look away for a quick glimpse I begin to stumble and fall again.  I would fall back down to the ground not seeing that there was something that had blocked my way causing me stumble once again.  Then I begin to lose confidence again because I had fallen not seeing the walkway that I thought was clear to me.  So I begin to feel that I’m back to square one, when I begin to lose faith, confidence and belief in myself.  But I know that I have to stay strong and try to stay grounded.  So I free write and express all my thoughts on this stupid blog, when I don’t really have anyone to turn too when I’m feeling all weird-ed out with my thoughts and emotions. So the only person that I turn to is myself.  I find it hard to express some of my thoughts to others just because I feel no one would really truely understand me.  So i begin to go to my psych mood where I feel I go insane dwelling on the negatives things that I start to think of. I try not to show any emotions because like I said, I’d like to stay strong & keep grounded.  As I get older, my mind starts to detoriate and this is the part when I feel when I can’t think right, this is when I think things begin to get complicated & it drives me crazy.  

bad habit

Relationships are work.  We all know this.  You have to work with each other to find a middle ground and compromise. (Which is essentially my MAIN problem) Dealing with each other’s pasts can also become hard work.  Different backgrounds tend to make people view love and relationships differently.

It is difficult to deal with insecurities and jealousies.  If your significant other finds out you did something for someone, but they don’t see they’re receiving the same or more, things get out of control.  They start to ask from you outrageous things and you start to feel they don’t accept you for who you are.  Arguments arise and your heart and mind start to spin out of control.

How do you know the truth?  This is the hardest part of being in any kind of relationship.  People know what they want and how they feel, but do you really know they are expressing the truth?  Truth and faith in people can become a riddle with a pun.

… I think I just lost my point of this post …

=(

“Growing up”

Sometimes, I really don’t want to grow up. I’m kind of scared of it.. let me explain how I personally define being grown-up.

Being an adult has nothing to do with putting your stuffed animals away, usage of ball pits, riding a golden motorcycle, running “the gauntlet”, or increasing your age number, because I know a lot of adults who act extremely childish. Being an adult is about considering the consequences for your actions, and taking responsibility for yourself. I know a lot of people who say “I tell it like it is, cuz I ain’t afraid to say what on my mind.” and as much as I genuinely appreciate honesty and openness, I would say someone who just opens their mouth without thinking about what they’re saying is being foolish, and even childish. Oh yes, our beloved Constitution makes “it” a free country, but the same right that lets an idiot talk a bunch of shit also gives us the right to shun them and verbally retaliate, depending one’s particular style of dealing with people.

I’m just saying that being an adult requires being a bit more calculated. I mean, it’s possible that someone could feign being a loud-mouthed bitch, but really is using their knowledge of psychology as a result on a  particular reaction that will benefit them in the long run.

So, anyhow, I don’t mean that I’m worried about losing all the fun things I’ve enjoyed over the years, because I’m always going to be myself, what with the quirky spontaneousness that often leads to awkward conversations, but I’m moreso concerned about the responsibility of my actions being something I can’t manage properly. I want to have a family someday, and a little house, and a career of some sort. But that takes a lot of hard choices and work, and I can’t just start a family with anyone, and I can’t just buy any house, and I can’t just do anything I want for a career. I’m sure most people understand that I don’t want to mess those things up, and end up becoming addicted to prescription fiber medicine, and end up living in an alley in a cardboard box with some random street bum who claims to be Jesus’s son for a roommate.

On the other hand, responsibility may be a lot of hard work, which is a huge turn-off for some people.

I certainly want to be alive, although, don’t ask me why; I’m not exactly sure why I want it, but I’m pretty dead-set on remaining alive, so I’m going to roll with it for now. I guess the main reason death is avoided is because first of all, the amount of pain involved is usually high, and there is the fear of the unknown that comes with it. On the other hand, that’s exactly what life is… high in pain and filled with lots of unknown. So why we choose one over another, I think, comes down to responsibility, because we all have to grow up and be responsible, and for some people, that’s just too hard, and too much to handle. I’m not saying I’m going to commit suicide, because thankfully, I’m very far away from that mindset now.

I guess the point of all this is that I’ve just been thinking about growing up.

Surrender.

“When it comes to love, you need not fall but rather surrender, surrender to the idea that you must love yourself before you can love another. You must absolutely trust yourself before you can absolutely trust another and most importantly you must accept your flaws before you can accept the flaws of another.“

i’m starting to realize the importance of relationships. friendships, flings, romantic long-term relationships, whatever. every single person i have known has taught me a lesson in a way that no other person or experience could. every single one.

i’m starting to appreciate the pain i have experienced. with each relationship i’ve had, i love that person with all that i know & all that i have at the time. & as i grow to love myself more & more, the more love i can feel for another. i see now that it is all a part of the process. it is all so beautiful.

we’re all just works in progress.

The greatest tragedy is not your death

But a life without reason, that your life had no purpose

i have so much that i want to say, but i never seem to express myself effectively… words with substance never surface past all my nervous stammers and babbling. i stumbled across an old journal today, atleast 3 years ago, and i realized- my shortcommings haven’t changed. all of my irrational fears and my social anxieties stayed with me, actually- they probably got worse. sure, maybe my grammar’s improved, my sentence structure may seem more advanced, but ultimately i’m still suffering from the same heartache. to be honest, i would’ve hoped that i’d had grown beyond it by now, but it looks like that isn’t the case. i feel like i’m alone, not lonely- alone. there’s a difference. lonely is having no one; i have plenty of relationships that come and go through my life, but i have yet to find one that isn’t disposable.. hence i am alone in a world of “single-serving friends.” i am tired of being someone’s second best company. serving as the one who gets a call when best friends are occupied, or a crutch- a temporary fill-in for that void in the life of whichever boy i try to date. being their current other does not necessarily make me the significant one.. just something good enough to pass the time. i could go for a change, some value would be a nice thing to feel. a little appriciation goes a long way. being over trusting throughout these years has only resulted in me getting taken advantage of time and time again… i think that’s a shame. genuine friendship isn’t too much to ask for, but betrayl has become the only constant thing in my life this far. sometimes optomism, like beauty, is only skin deep.

nothings perfect

but that’s what makes everything perfect all at once. I always question myself. I know what I am but when people tell me otherwise, I begin to get lost in myself. I don’t believe it’s right for people to put others down because they are upset with their own mistakes and flaw. Because someone else messes up, they scream at someone they care about. I’m not innocent of this, don’t get me wrong-but at least I can acknowledge how wrong it simply is. You would think in the beginning is a time of impressing someone and showing them your best side. You would think one would refrain from jealousy, games, and arguing. But almost always in my case in dating, no. I think I give of the vibe as down to earth (which I am) yet sometimes I fear that the vibe is so strong that people think they can lash out on me and I will learn to forgive it. I am accused of pushing someone away, but in reality it is the other way around. Yes I am moody, yes I am insecure, yes things do bother me-I AM HUMAN, but part of being human is about having self-control. And it’s always miscommunication, truly. Every war, every argument, every simple bicker and fight grows from the seed of miscommunication. When you’re lost, alone, or confused it is probably because you have been disconnected from someone and are unable to communicate. Why is it so hard sometimes? Why are we such stubborn and prideful creatures? We are always on the defense. “We’re just protecting ourselves from ourselves…”

This is why I am single-so I don’t have to answer to anyone and be restricted from the things I want to do. I am a big girl, I make smart decisions and I can hold my own, not even “men” have faith in that. That’s why everything is ruined or ruining. I am myself, I am not part of two. I am free and alive and I choose to do what I would like to do. I don’t need ropes or even strings-I am free, I am me, alone.



All the while, I feel as though my world is ending, I think I just found a great escape.

My worst brings out the best in you.

someone’s somebody.

I have everything anyone could ever want or need in life. I have a family, I have a circle of friends, that is always there to “party” with, or to just chill with. I have a “best friend” who is there pretty much 90% of the time. I have several boys… who are ”here” as well.

The fact of the matter is: I dont want to be chased by random guys. I have given up all hope and on “true” love for that matter. BECAUSE I have found all my happiness in relationships, for the past two years… I have finally realized that I need to be happy with myself before I can be happy with anyone else. It just doesn’t make sense though. I look back to when I had a “boyfriend” and everything seemed so perfect. But now I realize it was a happiness that would soon fade. Men cant make me happy. relationships definitely cant make me happy.

I choose to not let anyone in anymore, because I want to find out how to be happy with myself. But the only happiness I have ever truly known is being “happy” with someone else. so isnt that an oxy-moron? will I ever let myself truly ever be happy…?

Why do I get like this? So depressed, so sad. When you look at my life as an outsider, any person would think that I was crazy for being unhappy. But I am sometimes. I cant help it.

When I dont get a single text message in one night, I get sad. When I dont get a phone call from a particular person for an entire weekend I get sad. This sounds like the type of thing that just about anyone would experience, but for me. Its goes a little deeper. Well, actually I think I would describe it as more of a longing. yea. that’s it.

I think its a longing to be someone’s somebody.
Not even a girlfriend, But just someone’s out, or hero. Because maybe, just maybe..If I can be someone else’s hero, anyone’s at all…. Then I can find my own way out as well.